I have a vague account of my childhood days. I do not recall a lot of the details of events, thoughts or life changing moments that maybe had an impact on me and made me who I am today. I do, however, remember who I was. My recollection of childhood memories included fighting for a classmate being bullied in our class, writing fictional stories like 'Mr. Peanut' and conducting bible study classes with a group of friends that were all younger than me. To summarize, I recall myself being a brave little girl, was active, fun, and most importantly, at a very young age, had the courage to stand by the principles she believed in. Not everyone liked me, but I'd care less of what they think. I was living in my world.
Although I never knew exactly what I wanted to become when I grew up, I knew, at the back of my mind, that I was going to do something great (maybe all kids think this way). I had limitless possibilities, I wanted so many things but I couldn't do them because of constraints, I was determined I'd do them if only I had the financial capability to do so. I thought that I was going to - in my own way - have an effect in the world.
What happened?
- Work happened.
- Reality happened.
- Responsibilities happened.
in short, excuses happened.
Today, a friend of mine just got her book published. I, of course, was very happy for her. But undoubtedly, a part of me is envious of her courage, of her ingeniousness. It made me question myself, "What happened to me over the last few years?" Nothing (It would've been much better if at least something happened).
I couldn't recall what made me lose the faith I had for myself. I couldn't remember that feeling, the feeling I had when I was a child and nothing mattered - not my grammar, not what people might say or comment, not my skills nor the depths of the words I use. I knew then that I wanted to write and even now, it haunts me.
I knew I was a young girl full of passion, I thought I was brought here to make something significant. But for the past few years, I have done nothing but to complain, to be frustrated, to sit around the couch thinking of what I might've done if only things were right.
To quote the book of Paulo Coelho - The Witch of Portobello.
Did she pay a price? She certainly did. But she would have paid a still higher price if she had repressed her true exuberant self. She would have been bitter and frustrated, always concerned about "what other people might think," always saying "I'll just sort these things out, then I'll devote myself to my dream." always complaining that "the conditions are never quite right."
Thank you Paulo for these are my exact words. I am paying the higher price right now for repressing my dreams and ambitions for all those years. I have lose sight of that little girl I once was.
A message from me to me;
You are not like any other. Your dreams cannot be compared.
Your dreams reflect who you are and what you may achieve.
When you stop dreaming, you kill a part of yourself.
You know its your destiny if it keeps on coming back,
and haunting you wherever you go.
And when you repress your destiny,
it will be like a thirst that is never quenched.
an endless hole that can never be filled.
One day, it's going to be too late.
So be thankful you've realized it now.
Be thankful that you still got time.
Today, I have discovered one important thing that I promise to never forget.
Writing is my Ritual.
